The Ex

The Ex

Gail: Bill?! Is that really you??

Bill: Oh jesus christ, GAIL??

Bill’s Conscience: Fuck!!!!!…it’s her…

Gail: Oh lord from heaven above, come here and give me a hug! It’s been years!

Bill: (hugging Gail) I know, I know…wow, what a coincidence! You look fantastic- haven’t aged a day!

Bill’s Conscience: Fuck, fuck, fuck, I need an excuse to dip out of here, stat. This bitch is insane. Looks like all that tanning and Virginia Slims finally got to her, she looks old enough to be my goddam nana…

Gail: (holding up the coffee shop line as she holds up a finger to stall the barista) What the hell have you been up to since high school?? Look at you in your little buisness suit and briefcase, omigosh is that gel in your hair (reaches for Bill’s spiked hair)

Bill: (backing up, laughing nervously) Haha, yes, (ahem) why yes it is. I ugh, ended up becoming a defense lawyer and…

Bill’s Conscience: Does this dumb broad realize that we’re holding up the entire fucking line for all these fucking morning commuters? Jesus she’s even more delusional than she was when we were kids…oh god what is she doing now oh jesus christ…

Gail: (addressing the people behind them in line) Sorry everyone, but Bill and I here were old high school sweethearts back in the day, you know how it is, and when you meet someone from your past like this, it’s a message from the universe.

Bill: (rubbing his eyes in shame) Yep…you sure can’t deny those signs from Fate I guess…

Bill’s Conscience: This is why I fucking hate her. She’s batshit insane. Always ranting about that wiccan, Satanic cult-ish astrological bullshit…and the last straw was the day she tried to fucking poison my ass in a homocide-suicide attempt, she’s lucky I didn’t turn her ass in I could’ve sent her to the looney bin where she clearly fucking belongs…

Gail: You know Bill, when I cast that hex on you oh so many years ago, I wasn’t quite sure it would ever work, because I kinda fucked the ritual up a bit you see, and I didn’t let the candle finish burning completely before reading the…

Bill: Wait, back up- you did WHAT??

Bill’s Conscience: Wait, she did WHAT??????????!!!!

Gail: A hex silly. I knit a doll that looked like you and intertwined nail clippings and pieces of your hair with the thread, then I put a curse on you with it, that someday we’d reunite when you had become some successful bigshot and were at the top of your game, and you couldn’t imagine anything ever going wrong, and I’d be able to finally give you what you’ve had coming to you all these years…

Bill: Oh…my…god…

Bill’s Conscience: THIS CRAZY BITCH IS GONNA FUCKING KILL ME!!!!!!

Gail: Oh don’t give me that look Bill- take your punishment like a fucking man!

Bill: BITE ME YOU CRAZY BITCH!

Bill’s Conscience: Don’t go down without a fight Bill!

Gail: (pulling a gun from here purse) I love you Bill, always have. Now we can finally be together…

Bill: GO AHEAD, PULL THE TRIGGER THEN GAIL, YOU DELUSIONAL PSYCHOTIC UNLOVABLE SKANK, YOU HAVEN’T CHANGED SINCE HIGH SCHOOL. I REGRET THE DAY I EVER MET YOU, I REGRET THE DAY I CHOSE YOU OVER SANDRA TANNON, AND I REGRET NOT RUNNING YOU OVER WITH MY TRUCK WHEN I HAD THE FUCKING CHANCE.

Gail: You regret prom night too Bill?

Bill: …..everything besides prom night…

Gail: See you in the inferno Billy…

Bill’s Conscience- I hope there’s beer and Monday night football in hell…

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