Adderall: College Kid’s Crack (And the Reason I Passed College with a 3.7 GPA)

Adderall: College Kids’ Crack

Alas, you’ve made it at last. Growing up in your suburban home-surrounded by gleaming white fences and fresh herb gardens-you often dreamed of the day you’d be granted the freedom to break free from that picturesque New England prison. You killed it on your graduation night, evident by the length of that hangover coupled with  fragmented memories of Zhenka shots and false promises to stay in touch with your old clique. In the aftermath, you reigned in your inner party animal in the name of college savings, working your ass off all summer at the local grocery store. You didn’t make it to the beach once-but you knew in the end, it’d all be worth it.

Finally the long awaited moment has arrived. Kissing your teary-eyed mother on the cheek and simultaneously shoving her out the dorm, you catch your first whiff of green skunky air-ahhh, home sweet home. That night, after successfully ditching your deranged roommate (codename: Coke Kaley…long story)- you stumble (literally) across your first college frat party! You’re swooped up and recruited to join the frat’s “sister sorority” after a few of the sisters walk in on your not-so-discreet puke session. They were quite impressed that you were chasing your dry heaves with jungle juice. “You’re just the girl we’ve been searching for” they gush, holding back your hair.

The first week of school is arguably the best week of your entire life: keg stands, beer bongs, funneling Jose, taking a gigantic rip off that six footer. After this week (in which you were not sober…not once), you triumphantly proclaim that college life has indeed SURPASSED your wildest fantasies! What’s this, 20 unread…what…I’m too buzzed for this shit…oh shit…oh no…wait a minute…CLASSES START ON MONDAY? I already have a fucking paper assigned for this coming Friday? What kind of fucking sadist assigns a paper due on the first Friday morning of the year-THE DAY AFTER THIRSTY THURSDAY?! This is a first year gen-ed course, us freshmen need these first few weeks to get our kicks!!! And who is the fucking asshat that invented EIGHT AM FRESHMAN SEMINAR LECTURES? That square administrative prik clearly never got the “Thursday is the new Friday” memo, this must be a mistake, a cruel joke, designed by Jigsaw or Mr. Mackey’s diabolical twin.

You nervously pick the cannabis bits out of your fingernails, desperately trying to concoct a scheme. There’s no way in hell you can read fifty pages of Moby Dick AND still make it to Omega’s Weed and Mead mixer. A couple panicked calls to fellow sorority sisters, and the riddle is answered-forever hereafter. Your sisters had a good laugh on account of your naive ass, but in between gasps, imparted you with the ultimate (not-so-well-kept) college secret for keeping in step with the lifestyle. Back in the 1980’s, a triumph of pharmaceuticals graced our humble Earth with the ultimate gift-little magic pill , which has helped out countless college kids ever since, who also once fell prey to the same predicament-but never fear, Adderall is here! Little pills of wonder, passed indiscreetly across library desks on any given college campus, this brain candy is utilized by overwhelmed college students looking to finish a week’s worth of assignments in a single “all-night” session. Instead of kicking it old school with coffee and cocaine like our parents once did, adderall empowers one (not prescribed with ADHD, the intended users) with a superhuman rush of energy, euphoria (highhh), and intense focus, channeling one’s attention solely academics for four to eight hours (dependent upon dosage, method of use, ect) allowing said hard-partying college student to complete a week’s worth of homework in one Adderall fueled study sesh. This in turn, leaves the rest of the week free (for the most part) to do what Generation Y does best- partying our asses off. For those of us unfortunately bound by a creed of parental induced standards on academic excellence, adderall is a literal Godsend. I personally pulled an all nighter with adderall every Monday night throughout my freshman year, and managed to maintain a 3.6 GPA the entire year with this method, all while raging my face off for the other six days out of the week (totally straight talk here, this is not a drill). Could I have earned the same GPA by not abusing adderall, and instead opting to complete assignments in increments throughout the week like all the good boys and girls? Eh, I guess. But would I have managed to conquer the shit outta freshman year if I’d gone with the latter, “non-drug” option? Oh, hell fucking no. College is the time and the place for everything-for engaging in substance experimentation and timing yourself during a bout with 40’s and Edward 40 Hands? You’re here to earn a piece of paper, to then get a job to pay the bills, toiling in an office overlooking a polluted city scape, only to return home every night to a gang of rowdy brats coloring walls with crayons while your spouse waves a credit card bill in your face. Yeah, I can’t WAIT for life after college. But hey, at least you have a good four years until you have to enter the dreaded “real world” and well, it’s all downhill from there. So fuck me, if I’m not going to enjoy my last hourglass sands of carefree youth this coming Thursday night in this utopian microcosm called college-to stay in for the night to study for an eight am “Society and You” exam. They make Adderall for things like that.


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